jealousy. (a little private.)
i have a major problem with jealousy. not sure how or when it began, but i would venture to say it’s been with me most of my life. one of my “pet” sins, i guess.i’m jealous of other persons’ looks, talents, jobs, money, even their babies.
twenty days ago, when i found out i was pregnant, i fought with myself and God in the first few 48 or so hours. knowing He is love, truth, sovereign, just, holy—knowing His character—i should have never allowed myself to think such theologically askew thoughts…but my very weak mind and heart, oh so lacking in trust and faith, did just so. you see, for the past several YEARS, i have been strangling myself with a nasty, twisted jealous weed…sometimes because of complete strangers. for often times, whenever i looked upon (or sometimes even heard about) a couple with a new baby, i became absolutely GREEN with envy.
why them? why does SHE get to have a baby—she’s six (or four or ten, whatever the case may be) years younger than me!! whine, whine, gripe, gripe, JEALOUS, JEALOUS. (gross, gross.)
and so when i found out that i was going to join the ranks of those i had viciously eyeballed for the past five or more years, i pictured the Lord (how could i?) as an in-your-face kind of god saying, “you’ve been jealous for so long. you think you want a baby so bad? well, then, fine—here you go!” almost a ha-ha-i-told-you-so god. and that’s not Him. no, not at all.
i’m not sure why i’ve allowed myself to nurse such a disease. or how i will be cured from it. (other than the obvious, although will that do it?) i only know that i cannot allow this root to grow any deeper. i won’t even begin to address my jealousy problem in relationships. RIDICULOUS.
i’ve heard the way to get rid of jealousy is to be thankful. though those don’t exactly seem like polar opposites, i’m sure being more thankful can do nothing but good.
so here goes. (for now.)
i’m thankful for the air i’m breathing right this very minute. for the baby inside me—and that i can call him a baby. not an embryo or even a fetus, but a baby. he has hands and feet, arms and legs, a brain and eyes and ears and a HEART. and even though i can’t see him, thank You. i’m thankful for Doug and his covenant with me and You, that he’s sticking with me and not giving up on anything. he is so beautiful and loyal. how i’m thankful for my father and mother and sisters; i cannot imagine life without them, and so i thank You for their health and their love for You. i give thanks for all my relatives, both living and dead. for my second family i’m so grateful, and for how they’ve taken me in as their very own even before i married their son and brother. i’m thankful for my local church who puts people first and whose passion is to glorify You. that’s lived out in the services and the wonderful small groups i’m in; i give deep thanks for those precious persons. i’m thankful for this job You have given me that provides the means for Doug to go to school. i know there is more for me in life than this job, and that causes me to feel even more gratitude. thank You.
all for now @
2:17 PM
2 comment(s):
I'm catching up on your blog this evening. I have been thinkingg about you and the baby often. This post caught my eye, because jelousy is one of my prime faults. I have no words of wisdom, but know you are not alone in the struggle!
By
Stephanie, at
8:33 PM
Oh my googdness...I am so so happy for you, Doug and your new baby. I had NO idea this weekend and I so wish I knew. Woww--my God bless your everything and may you enjoy every moment not only for the nexrt several months...but for the next many YEARS!!
By
Stacy, at
6:20 AM
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