wisdom and dumping
i need wisdom.james 1.5-8 says,
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to
all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks,
he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the
sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will
receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all
he does.
i must believe and not doubt when asking for it. i very well may be the most doubt-filled person i know, so this seems near impossible for me. but if i really need wisdom (or even really want it), i know what i have to do for it. and should i not want to believe and not doubt for reasons beyond what that will get me? how can i look back at the ways God Himself has provided for me and protected me—has LOVED me—all my life and not believe and not doubt? (yes, there are a few double negatives in there.)
He is faithful and always has been faithful; He will remain faithful still. my heart knows this—so maybe my head is the problem? thoughts, thoughts, trying to plan, trying to work out problems, both in the present and those i foresee…even trying while i sleep. where is the line between planning (perhaps i should add worrying—i.e. doubting) and trusting? when day care alone will cost (a minimum?!) of $300/month, 25% of our working income which is definitely already being used on rent and bills and just plain living…what am i supposed to think, feel, say, do? doug’s a full-time student and works. i am working full-time so he can be a student. i can’t very well get a second job before or after the baby’s born—and doug can’t, either. (and yet here i am dreaming of working only half-time, or even more, not at ALL, so i can be with our BABY rather than sit staring at a blank wall most of the day.)
so i (we) need wisdom. should we maneuver our way into uncle sam’s house (apartment, rather) and eat his food, or somehow hope for a money tree to sprout in the back yard of our rent home (where we’ve only lived for five months, i might add)? we may have no other choice but to throw in the towel and move—once again. (even then, i wonder, will we have enough to make it?) at this point, i don’t even know if we’re eligible for the whole free or semi-free deal (yes, that’s right—we might make “TOO MUCH” money…and if you do a quick calculation based on the day care cost/percentage above, you’ll see just how much that is)…so the first move should be to securely determine what our options are, and then go forward.
many of those i’ve dumped on about this have said something along the lines of, “oh, you’ll make it” or “you’ll be fine,” or my favourite, “everything will work out.” i’m sure they’re right. i mean, just a few months ago i definitely agreed with them and even sounded like them. the reason i’m feeling this way now, i suppose, is because NOW is the time we’re having to make decisions for later. (for example, doug had pre-registration yesterday; will he take a full load in the fall or just those necessary classes only offered fall of even years? he went ahead and asked to be put in everything—he can always drop if needed.)
that’s all the dumping i’ll do for now. thank you for mucking through my moans and groans. ridiculous, but just what’s on my heart and planning (worrying) mind. here’s to believing and not doubting. i’m off to strive for it. :)
all for now @
1:00 PM
6 comment(s):
I'm so sorry, Rebekah. I know you are scared. The hamster is right, though.
Love and hugs
By
wiebke, at
4:49 PM
Dearest Rebekah, I am praying for you... just wanted you to know!
Amy
By
Amy & Brandon, at
8:19 AM
Worrying is something that comes natural to me too - I know what you mean about all those thoughts racing through your head ALL the time. But the hamster is right - there is nothing we can do but ask and wait and God will show His goodness. But I will be praying for you too that you will gain peace of mind.
By
Matt and Kim Cleveland, at
9:19 AM
Rebekah-
I know how you feel. It's hard to trust. Life is going to change so much. But I truly believe "everything will work out" and you will be blessed. I have to keep telling myself that too....
Love,
Suz
By
The James Family, at
3:11 PM
Oh goodness. I can't even imagine the stress you are under. I hate to rush the lord (can u even rush him?) but I hope he gives you wisdom, money (yes not the best thing to wish for--but who wants wisdom in a dark hot house) time and peace for you 3.
By
Crystal, at
11:36 AM
When does Doug graduate? Any possibility of family members coming to the rescue..staying with you guys to watch the baby?
By
Cecilia, at
1:55 PM
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