rebeekah: February 2006

mission accomplished

Dear Volume Controller,

For some time now, you have been getting into my computer when I’m away from my desk. I do not know why, but you have been opening up my volume control and clicking the mute box on the Wave column so that I don’t automatically know the volume is muted when looking down at the taskbar. Many times I attempt to hear something and don’t understand why I can’t…and then I check, and sure enough, you have been to visit my computer once again.

Yes, I do happen to listen to music, though not nearly as often as I would like. Since this horrible violation began, I’ve gotten your little “hint” and when I DO listen, I listen very quietly. That is why I’m perplexed about why you continue to secretly mute my volume—there’s no way you or anyone else could possibly hear my softly playing music. I do not share an office with anyone! WHO ARE YOU?!

There was a time (and even now I realize I’m questioning myself) when I thought I was losing my mind. Checking the volume has become quite an obsession for me—so I know I’m not the one accidentally muting it or anything. And there’s no way the computer is just doing this on its own. I have tried to remember to lock my computer every time I get up—to go to the bathroom, to walk down the hall, whatever—but I suppose I forgot at one point today: I KNOW the volume was normal this morning, and now upon returning from lunch…BAM! Mission secret mute accomplished.

Please stop. You are driving me bonkers. I can’t imagine how I’m driving you bonkers—the music is so low. And besides, I have great taste, if I don’t say so myself. Give it a break, Ms. Volume Controller! This is quite a little game you have going on, but I never asked to play.

Sincerely,

Your music loving coworker.

my ai5 picks

Girls

1. Katharine McPhee
2. Mandisa
3. Paris Bennett
4. Lisa Tucker
5. Ayla Brown
6. Kellie Pickler (i like her story, and she seems genuinely nice.)

Boys

1. Taylor Hicks
2. Ace Young
3. Chris Daughtry
4. Elliott Yamin
5. David Radford (toss-up between him and Will Makar)
6. Kevin Covais

Are you watching the show? Who are your favourites? :)

jealousy. (a little private.)

i have a major problem with jealousy. not sure how or when it began, but i would venture to say it’s been with me most of my life. one of my “pet” sins, i guess.

i’m jealous of other persons’ looks, talents, jobs, money, even their babies.

twenty days ago, when i found out i was pregnant, i fought with myself and God in the first few 48 or so hours. knowing He is love, truth, sovereign, just, holy—knowing His character—i should have never allowed myself to think such theologically askew thoughts…but my very weak mind and heart, oh so lacking in trust and faith, did just so. you see, for the past several YEARS, i have been strangling myself with a nasty, twisted jealous weed…sometimes because of complete strangers. for often times, whenever i looked upon (or sometimes even heard about) a couple with a new baby, i became absolutely GREEN with envy.

why them? why does SHE get to have a baby—she’s six (or four or ten, whatever the case may be) years younger than me!! whine, whine, gripe, gripe, JEALOUS, JEALOUS. (gross, gross.)

and so when i found out that i was going to join the ranks of those i had viciously eyeballed for the past five or more years, i pictured the Lord (how could i?) as an in-your-face kind of god saying, “you’ve been jealous for so long. you think you want a baby so bad? well, then, fine—here you go!” almost a ha-ha-i-told-you-so god. and that’s not Him. no, not at all.

i’m not sure why i’ve allowed myself to nurse such a disease. or how i will be cured from it. (other than the obvious, although will that do it?) i only know that i cannot allow this root to grow any deeper. i won’t even begin to address my jealousy problem in relationships. RIDICULOUS.

i’ve heard the way to get rid of jealousy is to be thankful. though those don’t exactly seem like polar opposites, i’m sure being more thankful can do nothing but good.

so here goes. (for now.)

i’m thankful for the air i’m breathing right this very minute. for the baby inside me—and that i can call him a baby. not an embryo or even a fetus, but a baby. he has hands and feet, arms and legs, a brain and eyes and ears and a HEART. and even though i can’t see him, thank You. i’m thankful for Doug and his covenant with me and You, that he’s sticking with me and not giving up on anything. he is so beautiful and loyal. how i’m thankful for my father and mother and sisters; i cannot imagine life without them, and so i thank You for their health and their love for You. i give thanks for all my relatives, both living and dead. for my second family i’m so grateful, and for how they’ve taken me in as their very own even before i married their son and brother. i’m thankful for my local church who puts people first and whose passion is to glorify You. that’s lived out in the services and the wonderful small groups i’m in; i give deep thanks for those precious persons. i’m thankful for this job You have given me that provides the means for Doug to go to school. i know there is more for me in life than this job, and that causes me to feel even more gratitude. thank You.

a few things rattlin in the noggin

i don’t have any daily reminders that i’m pregnant. the weirdest thing about the fact that there is a life growing in me is that i can’t see anything that’s happening. i can read about the changes that might be going on, but how i wish i could peek in every day—sometimes every hour—just to see him. to marvel at his newly formed eyelids. to watch as his outer ears form. to hear his little heart compete with the sound of galloping horses.

as much as i hate throwing up, sometimes i wish i would—just once—so i can feel like things are progressing normally. (weird, i know.) yesterday morning i felt a little wobbly (kind of like i was carsick), but it wasn’t that bad. really, if that’s as bad as it gets (and everything’s fine inside), then wonderful! i can’t express how affirming the ultrasound/doctor visit was…maybe that’s part of the reason they require monthly visits. :)

i’ve GOT to do a better job with my diet—i know i’m desperately lacking in that area. i’ve been doing an okay job of not having caffeine (i.e. COKE), so i guess i’m not failing entirely. :)

jennie’s wedding is only a little over two months from now…i can hardly believe it! i can’t wait for her beautiful wedding; being involved in it is the biggest honour of my life. she is so close to perfect, i can’t even tell you. (and no, i’m not in love with her—it only SOUNDS like it!!) :)

i am so excited (there are no words)—for this weekend, yes, this very weekend, my friends, i will be going to houston to see my family…and COLPLAY!!!!!! i bought the tickets for me and my sister about six months ago, so i cannot believe the time is finally here. new kids on the block aside (in the very early nineties), i have not been to such a big name concert. keeping in mind that next to waterdeep (who will always hold first place) coldplay is my favourite, you can imagine how i’m bursting out of my skin. (sarah, too.) YES!!! a post-concert update will definitely be written.

eight weeks and counting

so today i would like to announce to those of you who do not already know,

I AM WITH CHILD!!
(no, that is DEFinitely NOT me in my profile picture...just a cute pregnant woman.)

i’ve been walking around the past twelve days with the knowledge that a life is growing inside me, and i cannot begin to express my thoughts or feelings. perhaps doug and i should have waited to tell the whole world until later…but how could we have kept secret such news?

my whole life i have desired to be a mother. actually, the only three things i’ve ever really wanted to do in life are to be able to sing (to, for and about Him), be a wife and a mother. now that the time is here—so unexpectedly, i might add—I find myself saying often, “are You sure, Lord?” because we are so unprepared financially, doug and i struggle almost hourly with trusting the One Who has allowed and obviously played a part in this great miracle to also be the One Who will provide. His Name is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord Who Provides, indeed. the faith part comes in, I suppose, because we have no idea HOW He will do that…(doug is still in school, i work so he can GO to school, blah blah blah…) Nothing is impossible with Him, though! Nothing!

worries and fears aside, i’m excited out of my MIND. i’ve been reading all i can get my hands on, and i’ve really learned a lot about the different stages of growth. This week he (or she, as doug might say) :)
“is now 5/8 of an inch long, about the size of a kidney bean. He's constantly moving and shifting, although I won't be able to feel these womb wiggles for several weeks yet. His embryonic tail is disappearing (GOOD!), and his eyelids practically cover his eyes. Still slightly webbed, his fingers and toes are growing longer. His arms have lengthened, too, and his hands are now flexed at the wrist and meet over his heart. His knee joints have formed, and his feet may be long enough to meet in front of his body. With his trunk straightening out, his head is more erect. Breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs. The nerve cells in his brain are also branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways.” (compliments of www.babycenter.com)

can you even believe the miracle of a child living and growing inside his mother? as a friend recently wrote me (speaking of the moment her child was born), “the second i heard him cry i just about lost it. it makes me really wonder how people can not believe in God.”

that’s exactly how i felt when i heard my own child’s heartbeat last week. as tiny as he is, i actually saw the little one on the (ultrasound) screen and witnessed his miniscule heart pump, pump, pump just as fast as it could. then the nurse turned up the volume (i suppose), and i heard the 145 beats/minute heartbeat that shook my ears and entire being. never before, i do not think, have i burst into tears in quite the same way. no sooner had her hand touched the dial did i immediately beg to hear that miraculous, beloved sound again.

eight weeks into this adventure and counting. the due date is around September 20th.

rebeekah

2.24.2006

mission accomplished

my ai5 picks

2.21.2006

jealousy. (a little private.)

2.20.2006

a few things rattlin in the noggin

2.14.2006

eight weeks and counting

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