honest, harsh
i can’t wait to get away, can’t wait to get out of here.
discontent? yes.
disgruntled? yes.
disgusted? yes.
------------------------------------and i just had to delete the rest.
i've been walking around with a 500lb. weight of guilt and remorse for my horrible words.
i was so overwhelmed by all of your words of comfort and encouragement--thank you.
but truly, i think i was WAY OVERLY dramatic--exaggerating to the umpteenth degree. they really are not that bad. i was childish and immature (and RUDE) to ever speak of them that way.
and guess what? the day after i posted all that junk, my boss (the most wonderful boss in the whole world) surprised me with some gorgeous flowers, an incredibly kind card, and a promise to take me and his other secretary out to lunch soon. i was also floored at his spoken words (as he has said similarly in the past),"i don't know where i would be without you."and could my heart melt any more? and could i simultaneously feel any more terrible for the cruel things i had just written about others?
i've read/heard that "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond." well, i'm learning. thank you for being with me on this journey.
LOVE from rebekah.
wisdom and dumping
i need wisdom.
james 1.5-8 says,
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks,he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of thesea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he willreceive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in allhe does.
i must believe and not doubt when asking for it. i very well may be the most doubt-filled person i know, so this seems near impossible for me. but if i really need wisdom (or even really want it), i know what i have to do for it. and should i not want to believe and not doubt for reasons beyond what that will get me? how can i look back at the ways God Himself has provided for me and protected me—has LOVED me—all my life and not believe and not doubt? (yes, there are a few double negatives in there.)
He is faithful and always has been faithful; He will remain faithful still. my heart knows this—so maybe my head is the problem? thoughts, thoughts, trying to plan, trying to work out problems, both in the present and those i foresee…even trying while i sleep. where is the line between planning (perhaps i should add worrying—i.e. doubting) and trusting? when day care alone will cost (a minimum?!) of $300/month, 25% of our working income which is definitely already being used on rent and bills and just plain living…what am i supposed to think, feel, say, do? doug’s a full-time student and works. i am working full-time so he can be a student. i can’t very well get a second job before or after the baby’s born—and doug can’t, either. (and yet here i am dreaming of working only half-time, or even more, not at ALL, so i can be with our BABY rather than sit staring at a blank wall most of the day.)
so i (we) need wisdom. should we maneuver our way into uncle sam’s house (apartment, rather) and eat his food, or somehow hope for a money tree to sprout in the back yard of our rent home (where we’ve only lived for five months, i might add)? we may have no other choice but to throw in the towel and move—once again. (even then, i wonder, will we have enough to make it?) at this point, i don’t even know if we’re eligible for the whole free or semi-free deal (yes, that’s right—we might make “TOO MUCH” money…and if you do a quick calculation based on the day care cost/percentage above, you’ll see just how much that is)…so the first move should be to securely determine what our options are, and then go forward.
many of those i’ve dumped on about this have said something along the lines of, “oh, you’ll make it” or “you’ll be fine,” or my favourite, “everything will work out.” i’m sure they’re right. i mean, just a few months ago i definitely agreed with them and even sounded like them. the reason i’m feeling this way now, i suppose, is because NOW is the time we’re having to make decisions for later. (for example, doug had pre-registration yesterday; will he take a full load in the fall or just those necessary classes only offered fall of even years? he went ahead and asked to be put in everything—he can always drop if needed.)
that’s all the dumping i’ll do for now. thank you for mucking through my moans and groans. ridiculous, but just what’s on my heart and planning (worrying) mind. here’s to believing and not doubting. i’m off to strive for it. :)
haven't posted in a CENTURY
doug and i ate at el mariachi’s for lunch today. it’s this small, authentic place in town with doug’s favourite salsa in the whole world—and i love everything i’ve ever had there! today we split the “super chunk grande burrito.” (who can beat a scrumptious lunch for 2 for less than $6?!) among beans and rice, sour cream and guacamole, the burrito contains the most delicious chunks of meat you’ve ever had—kind of almost like mom’s roast that’s been cooking all morning during church. (you know what i mean.) i know that may sound weird to have in a burrito, but mmm MMHM, it’s so good! :)
my next appointment with the doctor is next Thursday.
but do you know what this Thursday is?
Doug’s BIRTHDAY!! :) i cannot believe this will be the eighth birthday i will get to celebrate with him. we’re going to have a joint party for him and a friend, drake, at our house this weekend; it should be a lot of fun! doug’s going to grill his world-famous chicken…yummy! i think he’s so cute to want to grill at his own party—but he wouldn’t have it any other way!
i guess this little post was mainly about food and doug. two of my favourites!! :)
